I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
