This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
