I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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