Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
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I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize