fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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