I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
