Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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