I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
