I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.