I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
They are going to name an STD after you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?