he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.