Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
