: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
