The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
