I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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