your parents love me but you hate me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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