Duck Duck Cougar?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You ruined the universe
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
