I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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