I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dicks are not precious.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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