i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
