im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
