So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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