can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
