If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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