I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian