u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
