she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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