My cat gives me a boner
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
