Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
