1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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