Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you win again, gameday.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
