There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
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I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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