That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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