She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize