It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
