i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
