and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
