My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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