I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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