hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My dick has a subreddit
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
