Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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