So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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