Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
