If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
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