You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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