Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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