it's too hot outside to masturbate.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
