make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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