Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
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So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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