need another drink. this is the easiest way
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
