i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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