Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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