one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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